My Beats this week💜

It’s no secret that I absolutely love music! It speaks to me and holds memories. I can the beginning of a song and be transported back in time to my first dance, hanging out in my bedroom as a teenager, in dance class, driving the backroads in Whitehouse or at a party.

You can definitely tell what kind of mood I’m in by my playlist.

Maybe you can tell how I feel at the moment by browsing through this list of awesome tracks!

Kaleo “Way Down We Go”

The xx “Missing”

Electric Six “Danger! High Voltage

k.d. lang “Constant Craving

Lana Del Rey “Cola”

Florence +the Machine “Hunger”

R.E.M. “Everybody Hurts”

Placebo “Every You Every Me”

Interpol “Take You on a Cruise”

Dave Matthews Band “#41”

Duran Duran “Come Undone”

Talking Heads “Road to Nowhere”

Kate Bush ” This Woman’s Work”

Peter Gabriel “Big Time”

Love and Rockets “So Alive”

Tori Amos “Smells Like Teen Spirit” – If you haven’t heard this version you should! It’s haunting.

Lisa Loeb “Stay(I Missed You)”

Madonna “I Want You”

Original Cast of The Little Mermaid “Part of Your World”

Lissie “Pursuit of Happiness” Kid Cudi cover

Hopefully you found some tunes you know and maybe some you didn’t know but you want to check out. Let me know what you think about my playlist. Comments are appreciated! Ellie agrees

Hello, my name is Jordan and I’m an Impostor!

I do what I do to help others. I help others get stronger physically, assist with getting dressed, safety in all aspects of life, I listen to people vent…etc.

I always strive to do my best at everything I do:

Cooking a recipes, writing in my journal, in my yoga practice, caring for my dog, caring for my family, cleaning my house and I take pride in what I do for my career. I am a therapist at a nursing home/rehab facility and overall enjoy what I do. I hold a secret… I never think I’m good enough at my job, I constantly criticize myself- thinking I could have done better in every situation.

I’ve always been extremely hard on myself. I was known as a perfectionist by my family. Always striving for the best in school, drill team, in my personal life. I would stay up all hours of the night to study, rehearse all dance numbers till my legs were jello, watch what I ate to look like I should… I obsessed over everything to be the best. Now, I research diagnoses, appropriate exercises for each patient, think about various work situations and treatments after work hours, hell I even dream about work.

I always have thought I have just been anxious and worry constantly about work. Lately I have felt that it is so much more! Like something is wrong with me, that I’m scared people will think I don’t know what I’m doing.

So of course, I did some research on this feeling.

I found a syndrome called impostor syndrome.

It’s a feeling of being inadequate, feeling that you are a fraud and that people will find out…even though you may be successful at your job/career. It’s a feeling so strong that it makes me feel physically ill. I will lay in bed and think of the whole day, each minute replays and what I could have done differently or done better.

I have spent many sleepless nights rethinking each patient’s treatment, each conversation with them, conversations with co-workers. Researching how to make myself better at my job. Thinking that my patients, family and co- workers would find out the truth about me. That I’m a fraud. That I don’t know what I’m doing. This is a daily struggle for me. Even though I went to school for therapy, complete CEUs, have hales many people, worked in different settings. I have helped so many patients in ten years of practice but I do not see that. I see the negative. I see the people I have failed or my perception of failing.

Impostor Syndrome has robbed me of many years. My whole 20’s was ruined by this. I didn’t realize many people suffer from this- many celebrities: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Emma Watson, Ryan Reynolds, Amy Adams, Michelle Pfeiffer, etc. Mostly women suffer from this but I found a few men that suffer from this as well… or maybe women are just apt to confess this.

The point is, if you suffer from this as well you are not alone. Do your research, talk to someone, get this out. Don’t suffer alone. 💜

Get to know me, if you wish!

It just dawned on me today that my readers may not know me that well. I’m not sure how many want to get to know me or know me at all. As I was scrolling through Pintrest it hit me in the face- I should write a few quirky facts about myself!

1. I absolutely love to read! I have several bookshelves full of books from fiction, non-fiction, biographies, and self help books. I also own a kindle with over 50 books on it as well as a tablet with downloaded books as well as audio books. I love learning new things and getting away in a book. It’s like taking a vacation without all the work!

2. I adore my dog, Ellie Mae. In my opinion she is the cutest thing EVER. She loves when I come home- I am welcomed with hugs and kisses. I wear her glitter all day- her fur, ha! She loves to go for car rides, cuddle with her mama and get ice cream.

3. I enjoy making people smile. Whether it’s by making them laugh, doing a sweet errand for them, or just being present- it makes me feel good helping others.

4. I absolutely love 80s and 90s music and can usually name a song within seconds of it playing on the radio. It’s a scary gift really. Like, I mean super scary. Depeche Mode, The Eagles, Foo Fighters, Madonna, The Cure, Live, Counting Crows- some of my favorites. I have playlists, ask about them.

5. I am annoyingly positive about everyone’s situations but when it comes to me, it’s difficult to see the light… it is a constant daily struggle for me to be positive when all I feel is failure and being a fraud.

6. I have a deep LOVE for Jared Padalecki…. I know you are thinking, PADA- WHO?!? You know Sam Winchester from Supernatural… or the O.G Dean, Dean Forrester from Gilmore Girls. Now I will say this, I always wanted a Dean- tall, dark, handsome, funny, and incredibly sweet… and I got him, but shhhhh! Don’t tell Jared! Ha! Now, I’ve met Jared twice now and both times was awesome! He’s an incredible person and super nice to everyone he meets!

7. I have severe insomnia and rarely sleep more than 3-4 hours a night and I function. And yes, I’ve tried sleeping medication, melatonin, lavender, CBD oil.. you name it, I’ve tried it! I’ve meditated, worked out like a mad woman- nothing works for me. So, I am productive while y’all are sleeping… I most likely wrote this blog at night!

8. I’m all about positive vibes- yoga, meditation, essential oils, crystals, aligning my chakras.. evil eyes… I usually smell earthy. I go to yoga regularly. I am about to start yoga teacher training which has been my dream for several years. I was looking back after I finished Mel Wells’ Academy at what I manifested for myself- everything has been started or done! I conquered my fear of flying! I am beginning YTT in September, I’ve re-opened my blog, paying off finances(slowly), and started writing a book! Whew! And I’m in school for Yoga Therapy…all while working full time and having a boyfriend! My life is crazy busy but I absolutely LOVE it!

9. I am in a relationship! This is most likely not a secret since I talk about him often! 🙂

10. I snort when I laugh! Nothing else to be said about this! 😂

This are some things that you may or may not have known about me! I may do a list like this a few times a year as I grow… we are all constantly changing…evolving. So I will leave this post as an open conversation…what are some things that you think I should know about you! Leave them in the comments! I would love to get to know y’all as well! Much love!💜

Enough! I’ve had ENOUGH with not feeling ENOUGH

This is something that I’ve felt for a really long time. I’ll give you some examples since it’s difficult to explain.

Being in everyone’s way- constant moving to appease others. Even though I may have been in that place first, I’ll move to make everyone else happy.

I do it at work constantly.

I did it in yoga class today.

I do it in retail stores.

Family functions.

The list goes on….

As a little girl I was quiet, minded, did what I was told. I never questioned anything.

And then I grew up into an adult with feelings of being never enough, over weight, not pretty enough, not perfect enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough…just not enough.

As a little girl, I never really thought about it much. I just thought I was being polite. As I have increased in age, I still do it. I started really thinking about it. Why do I do this? It has just become natural for me and then I usually say sorry to the person I’m moving for…. like I’m doing something wrong, like I’m in the way.

When did it begin…this feeling of being in the way, of not being enough, of unworthiness?

Now, I have had relationships that have left me with feelings of unworthiness, not enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not athletic enough…

See a pattern here… ENOUGH with not being ENOUGH!

Here lately I have felt a change within myself but it has been an emotional one… full of fighting in my head, my mind trying to convince me of awful things that I think about myself. Taking yoga classes from CommUnity yoga has been a ginormous help for my mindset and soul! It came to be at the perfect time in my life. That’s when people and places usually show up in your life, when it’s time. I have felt my life shift for the last three years now and at this point it’s finally beginning to take off.

Yoga has really helped me with my perspective on my life purpose and gratitude. Monday during yoga class, the intention set was slowing down and feeling enough where you are at that moment. I never feel good enough at any moment but Monday for an hour and fifteen minutes I had purpose, I had strength, I was enough in that moment. I was strong in that moment. I forgot about everything in my mind and focused on myself for that moment… I needed that. I felt ENOUGH the following day. I had purpose at work… I am ENOUGH to be in the space I’m in at EVERY moment. I’m not in anyone’s way… I was in my own way with those feelings of inaccuracies.

The moment in yoga class that really impacted me the most was during a side angle pose. I, of course, was sweating awfully. Sweat dripping down my face, in my eye, in my mouth, onto my yoga mat. As I look up during side angle I catch a glimpse of my bracelet- it has the word ” fearlessness” written on it. That’s when I realized- WOW, I am quite awesome. I am WORTHY. I am STRONG. I am ENOUGH!

So, in conclusion I am starting to see that I have a purpose in my life and that I am enough. Are you having similar feelings at all? If so, I challenge you to dig deep into yourself to find what has you feeling like that and conquer those feelings because you are enough as well!

Did someone say road trip? My top songs for a summer road trip.

Well, summer is here y’all and that means vacations for most people. I personally don’t usually take a vacation during summer but ended up taking a last minute vacation with a road trip at the end!

My favorite part of any vacation or road trip is music. For me, music makes the trip so much better. I have been on the road for two days with music to entertain me.

Here is my list of my top songs- now just keep in mind, my musical taste is very eclectic!

1. “Bitch Better Have My Money” by Rihanna

This road trip involved a lot of money

2. “Stayin’ Alive” by The BeeGees

Try listening to this song without singing!

3. “You’re All I’ve Got Tonight” by The Cars

My favorite song by this band!

4. “Circadian Rhythm” by The Silversun Pickups

Good song for driving

5. “Insensitive” by Jann Arden

Reminds me of the 90’s

6. “Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer

Summer is hot just like this song!

7. “Sexyback” by Justin Timberlake

No words needed!

8.” I Want Your Love” by Chic

This song makes me want to disco!

9. “Maneater” by Hall & Oates

Summer brings out a lot of these!

10. “Lollipop” by The Maguire Sisters

Candy and summer= winning

11. ” In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins

No drum solo while driving!

12. “Somebody” by The Chainsmokers

I love the rhythm of the song!

13. “November Rain” by Guns & Roses

Any epic road trip should have this EPIC song added to the playlist!

14. “Big Love” by Fleetwood Mac

Anything by them is awesome!

15. ” What You Want” by The John Butler Trio

Epic song for any epic trip!

16. “Glory Box” by Portishead

Love this song and her voice!

I’m glad to be back in Texas though!

Music speaks to the soul or it does to me! Let me know y’all picks for a playlist. I may make playlists a regular post of my blog. Let me know your thoughts please!

Now I’m going to go rest before the work week begins!❤️

What is today?? No, but really….l

Hello all! How are y’all doing?

I am doing well. Enjoying coffee, nature and this beautiful weather in New England. Not looking forward to going back to work! But I’m looking forward to getting back to Texas! I always miss Texas when I’m gone.

I will say, I am having trouble remembering what the day it is. I’m discombobulated…. but I did see that today is National Writing Day so I decided to write. I wasn’t going to write while I was away but I can pass up today!

What to write about is the question….Maybe my “vacation” so far. It’s not really an actual vacation, I’m helping my grandfather that lives in Massachusetts make the big move to Texas to be closer to family! So this is an exciting but exhausting week for everyone involved! Moving is stressful but when it’s over state lines stress is increased!

We have had some fun this week…

1st let’s begin with a plane ride- I have not flown in 15 years due to fear and anxiety. So I did this! I didn’t worry about this at all!

on the second flight I even sat in the window seat! I even fell asleep for most of the flight! No panic attacks, increased anxiety or hyperventilation. I can do this more often now 🙂

Of course you cant go to Belchertown without going to Cindy’s- best ice cream and hot dogs around! I had the hazelnut ice cream! They have 100 flavors! Super yummy!

Then we took a stroll and a little hike through The Quabin Reservoir- which was beautiful as usual! It was peaceful and a good way to start the trip! It was a little chilly and of course I brought clothes appropriate for warmer weather.

We also had a quick visit with my uncles and princess Kensi- they treated us to lunch, drinks and good laughs!

Early this week I did get sick- extreme fatigue, nausea, chills, and inability to sleep. I had to get my family to stop at one point while driving so I could possibly vomit- just dry heaves happened thankfully. Since I was sick, I didn’t enjoy the good food up in the New England area. I stocked up on water and veggies. Finally by Wednesday I felt better but didn’t want to chance it so I had a salad for lunch. But looking back over the last year, I’ve really cleaned my body out and cook more healthy at home and rarely go out to eat so I think my body was in shock with all this food and a semi- long flight didn’t help and helped to increase fatigue in myself.

As I write this, we are waiting in our hotel waiting for a phone call for the house closing.

In conclusion, we are all ready to get back/to Texas. There is something about living in Texas- I always miss it. Texas is home, a community, and comfortable to me. This trip also symbolizes overcoming fear and anxiety!

I learned a very good lesson on this trip. Let me leave this with you, what things/experiences scare you, give you anxiety…but you would like to complete? What’s holding you back? I let my fear hold me back for 15 years and I missed so much. Don’t let that happen! Face your fears- you will be glad that you did!

Back to School

Every time I say the phrase,”Back to school” I think of Adam Sandler! But for serious, I’m going back to school for yoga therapy. It’s something I’ve dabbled with for several years. Now I have gone back to school a couple of times since graduating college. Each time was not the right time or it was not something I am passionate about.

I have mentioned in past blogs that I have been consistently doing yoga for the last three years or so. Yoga has healed me from my pain of my divorce, perfectionism, that I am enough, and given me confidence and bravery to try new things. Hell, I went to a yoga studio where I knew nobody to complete a workshop, met some awesome, super nice people and I continue to practice there! Old Jordan would not have done that, at all. I would have dabbled with the idea but would have passed on it and then regretted it.

The healing power of yoga is so great and has helped me so much- and continues to help me- that I want to share it with others.

So I found the perfect certification for me: yoga therapy certification.

I was up on night as usual and researching yoga therapy and I stumbled onto Breathing Deeply Therapy School. I applied to the school on a whim, not thinking I would get into the school but just took a chance! A few days later I received a voicemail from the school saying they looked foreword to getting to know me through this journey. I was confused- Did I get in? I went through my email and found an email for the school congratulating me on my acceptance and saying I would be a perfect fit due to my occupational therapy assistant career.

I was super excited but I had a billion questions which lead me to communicate with the school through emails. Communication stopped as my life got busier and I stopped pursuing this for about two months. Then one day in yoga class something happened… I’m not sure what but space opened up inside me- I realized I have time to do this, I can make it happen, I can find the finances- stop making excuses and just do it. The next day I called the school and asked if my spot was still available- it sure was and that night I signed up to start classes in June at my own pace. I would also have to obtain a yoga teacher certification to finish the 800 hr portion of the school to become yoga therapy certified- which is something I’m also going to do….

I’ve realized lately that life is too short not to do the things that you want to do.

For instance, today I am getting on a plane to travel across the country. Three years ago that would have been a no go. Now I’m up for anything- now I will not jump out of a plane but I may think about it!

So, I challenge you reading this- what do you want to do that you think you can’t do? I bet you can do it but you just have to dig deep to allow yourself to believe that you can do it!❤️

A Little Bit of Happiness

Here lately I have been writing about anxiety and my increased struggles with it at the moment. Everything I have written has been about this topic so I thought I would change up the mood on this blog for a bit. Not that struggling with anxiety is not important, just thought some happiness would be better at the moment.

With that being said I want to talk about things that make me happy. And in turn, things that make me happy decrease my anxiety.

• Yoga- I have been practicing yoga consistently for three years which has helped my anxiety, strength, endurance. It also makes me very happy. It’s challenging which makes me feel accomplished after I meet a goal for a challenging pose. I finally accomplished crow pose after two years of trying. Sorry, I don’t have a picture of me completing crow pose but I promise it has happened! 💪🏻
• Fun in the sun- I absolutely love relaxing in a pool, on a float, soaking in the rays of sunshine! That’s what I did today after a long weekend of helping my parents clean and organize their house in preparation of my grandpa moving to Texas. That’s a whole other story and blog post in the near future 🙂

myself, today at my parents pool!

• A good cup of joe always makes me happy. It’s the only way to start off the day. Of course with cream and sugar!myself in the morning with a JT mug 🙂

• Family makes me happy. I visit and see my immediate family once a week. We talk about our jobs, life, past memories, future endeavors, etc. We travel together, watch movies, go to concerts, go out to eat, grill out, etc.

Myself with my sister at the Dr Seuss museum

Myself with my mom at the Bon Jovi concert

Myself with my Sister in Mass in 2015

Myself with my Mom and Dad in Vermont 2015

• A good pair of jeans is pure happiness- the way it fits every curve and increases my confidence.

• Next on the list is my boyfriend! He helps with anything you ask, is caring, is loving and just an all around good person. He makes me smile everyday.

• My sweet Ellie Mae is next. She is my goofy, loving bulldog who is also a little stubborn. She has been with me through some tough times and does help when I have an anxiety attack. Look at her face!

Ellie Mae and myself during Christmas 2016

I have several people and things that help make me happy. Sometimes I have to look through my journals and list of what makes me happy to increase my mood. I have to remind myself of the great people and things that I have in my life.

I urge you reading this to get out a pen and paper and make your list of things that make you happy. You will be surprised as to all the great things and people that you have in your life.

Until next time. ❤️

Stitch Fix day-yay❤️

For those who know me, know I love my Stitch Fix boxes! They always make me feel like it’s my birthday! A box delivered to my door full of rad clothes and accessories! Yes, please!

This gorgeous Kate Spade purse was a Stitch Fix purchase but not from my current box! I just wanted to show it off and remix y’all that Stitch Fix offers Kate Spade merchandise now!

Okay, now anytime a new box comes in, I have to get all dolled up and put a fashion show on! Don’t judge!! It helps me pick out my winning pieces! I’m talking full make up, hair, and loud music! Also it’s a good confidence booster…. so you can say it’s kinda like therapy!

Back to this box…..😜

First up are this cute pants by Cosmic Blue Love! Cute and comfy with a zip detail at the ankle. Can be paired with a cute tank top, cardigan, and sandals or wedges. Perfect for summer day!

My second pick is an off white halter top by Daniel Rainn. One of my favorite pieces from this box. It’s a light top, super cute and can be dressed up or worn casual- which I love!

This top also makes my arms look very toned…. or it could be all the yoga I’m doing… a combination of both maybe! In conclusion, this top is a winner!

Next up, is a maxi dress by Collective Concepts! I love floral prints and fell in love with this print! The color- not so much on my pale skin… and it also makes me look a little pregnant- haha!

See! And no, I’m not pregnant. I know some of you were thinking it. So because of the color, I did not pick this dress.

Ahhh yes! This beautiful maxi skirt by Gilli is to die for! I simply fell in love with it at first site…. then I donned it and that was it! When I tried it on, I knew the perfect top for it- another top I purchased from a past Stitch Fix box.

It’s the perfect skirt for a night or day on the town or even a date night 🙂 since a certain someone likes me in skirts 🙂 yes this one is a keeper a hundred percent!

Drumroll please!!!!!!!!

I’m about to show ya the last piece of the box… y’all ready!?!

This is a jumpsuit by Kaileigh that is absolutely stunning! I have yet to try on a jumpsuit until this was sent to me. I tried it on and was SOLD! Then I found out it had pockets and I screamed,” Take my money now!” Haha! Then I turned around….. and….

BAM- my booty progressed was seen! So thank you Riley(my Stitch Fix stylist) for making me feel like J.Lo! Yes, this one was a keeper!

Overall this box was a major success! If you haven’t tried Stitch Fix, I think ya should give it a try. It has definitely expanded my love for fashion and what I think looks decent on me!

Hope everyone is well❤️ sending positive vibes your way until next time!

Let’s talk about mental health

Let me start by saying that I hope y’all are well!

I really mean that.

Honestly, I was going to write an entry today about my current Stitch Fix box but something on my heart is much more important and just needs to be said. No worries- I will post about my box later 🙂

With the current events happening in our world….the rising suicide rates, I would like to say check on a friend. Make sure they are doing okay. It doesn’t have to be extensive, it can be a simple, hey, how are you really doing?” Or a simple I’m here for you.

As a person that lives with anxiety and depression, these small gestures do mean so much when life gets overwhelming and difficult. Sometimes life gets hard to deal with and some people may not have a good support system or may not feel like they have one…. also they don’t want to be a burden. I can say that from experience, I never want to burden someone with my issues. Not all, but most people don’t understand the severity of living with depression and anxiety and the amount of guilt that goes with having it. The feeling of letting people down, the constant feeling of shame, guilt, uneasiness, heightened anxiety…. all while masking it. Most people who don’t know me would not know how anxiety affects me- not by looking at me. The “shocks of electricity” feeling that runs through me, being easily over stimulated, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, random body pains and just a heavy feeling…. also insomnia. Now some of these symptoms are better as I have learned over the years how to manage my anxiety and what works for me- therapy, meditation, yoga, and meditation. I also journal. Journaling helps get all my thoughts especially the negative ones out of my head so hopefully they will stay on the paper only. A consistent work out schedule helps me- for me it’s yoga 3-4 sometimes 5 days a week. It keeps me focused, grounded and also helps with my physical appearance. Eating healthy also decreased my anxiety symptoms and I can tell when I eat junk food how it affects my mood.

I’m not saying that I’m healed at all. In my case, it’s a daily struggle. It’s something that I do not hide and deal with openly. I talk about my anxiety openly now. Maybe it will help someone else in the process.

We live in a world where we have hundreds of friends- on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter but are so disconnected with the world in the flesh….we are constantly in stores, work, out to dinner with our heads down in our phones. We don’t know how to verbally communicate anymore. For me, I communicate verbally- I’m awkward as hell but I own it lol. I smile at people when I walk by and will say hi. I’ve had many conversations in the grocery line with people- about random things. My view is you don’t know what anyone is struggling with- depression, anxiety, not fitting in, eating disorders, etc. A simple smile or hello can make someone’s day and maybe help them think”maybe I’m not so bad.”

What I’m trying to say is that we need to be kinder, more aware, and willing to listen. It could have a big impact on someone’s mental health. You could have a big impact on someone. Tell someone you appreciate them today. Ask them how they are and listen.